


Blank

by Max_JS



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-14
Updated: 2012-12-14
Packaged: 2017-11-21 03:18:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/592845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Max_JS/pseuds/Max_JS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel feels like a reject, the only gay man in his town, until he meets Dean, his life changes for the better, but before long Castiel's world falls apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It’s Not Easy

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, so this is my first real fic that's over 2k works and has multiple chapters, please feel free to give me any constructive criticism that you have so i can improve in the future, I hope you guys like it!

I live in a small town in America, let’s call it Blank Town, I wouldn’t want to give the town a bad name with this story, so I’d rather keep the name unknown. Blank isn’t a very exciting town, we have an elementary school, middle school and high school, even a community college. Mostly everyone knew everyone here, the only bar in the Town, The Roadhouse, is owned by my dad and his late best friend’s wife, Ellen. My brother, Gabe and I work there along with Ellen’s daughter, Jo.  
Blank is known for being incredibly homophobic though. The people here would much rather shun you and throw you out of town than even consider the fact that it’s okay to be gay. I blame Obama. The people here are also very superstitious, like, throw you in the asylum if you have an imaginary friend because that means you are bewitched.   
Anyway, I myself am gay, and only one person in this whole entire town knows, besides me of course, that person being Anna Milton, my best friend and oh-so trusty confident.  
That’s enough background info though, let’s get on with the story.

I dropped my school bag on my desk and landed face first on my pillow with a groan that embodied just exactly how tired I was from the walk home. It wasn’t long before I was fast asleep, interrupted only by the sound of the front door opening and my father clanging around in the fridge.  
“Hey dad” I groaned, kicking my shoes off, which, for some reason I hadn’t done when I had initially face planted my pillow.  
My father’s reply was somewhat incoherent, probably just a slurred “Hey, Cas” and something about not being able to find the beer.  
One thing about my dad: he might own the Roadhouse, but that doesn’t mean he won’t spend about 90% of his time staying at home getting drunk and throwing things at me and my mother. Yeah, that happens.  
I generally tried to avoid any contact with my father, it’s not very ideal having a half full beer can flying at your back, or any other part of your body.  
I winced as I heard a can crash against the wall of the hallway.  
“Clean that up!” my father commanded, as I heard another beer being opened.  
I couldn’t say no. It was always worse if I said no. So I simply filled a bucket with warm water and started scrubbing at the carpet and wall. I assumed that whatever team my father was rooting for in whatever sport that was on the television at the time had done something stupid. I shook my head, my back turned to the lounge, from which my father was watching television and loudly complaining.  
Suddenly a pain shot through my already bruised back as another half empty can flew down the hallway and just so happened to hit me. My dad’s aim was better when he was drunk, which was always. I stifled my scream, I couldn’t scream, that would only make it worse.  
As I sat in the bathroom, trying to look at my back in the mirror what hung over the basin, I heard the front door open again and the clack clack of my mother’s high heels on the tiled floor. It wasn’t long before a shouting match erupted from the general direction of the kitchen.  
I sighed and pulled my shirt over my head. The large purple bruises would have to wait for now. I looked on my watch, 5:30, thank god, my shift at the Roadhouse starts in 30 minutes. I grabbed my motorcycle’s keys and bolted for the door, trying to avoid the vicinity of the kitchen.

“Hey Gabe” I said, walking into the kitchen of the Roadhouse.  
“Hey kiddo” said Gab, cleaning some glasses.  
I walked through the door, tying the folded apron around my waist and sticking an order book and pen in the pocket.  
“Hey, Ellen, hey, Jo” I said, waving at them from across the rather empty bar. Usually people only started coming in around 8.  
“Hey, Cas!” Said Jo, practically running towards me and tackle-hugging me. I tried not to yelp when my back hit the counter behind me, but it was useless and before I knew it Ellen and Jo were lifting my shirt trying to inspect the seemingly permanent bruises on my back.  
“Your daddy been getting rough at home again, Cas?” Ellen asked, walking over to the ice maker and folding a rag around a few pieces of ice. Jo placed her cold hand on my back where the can had hit my back earlier. Her cold touch made me sigh with relief.  
“Cas, you know that if you ever need to get away, you’re always welcome at our home.” Jo said, dabbing at my back with the ice filled rag. I gasped at the touch, it was both relieving and painful at the same time.  
“It’s okay guys, really, I’m okay.” I said, trying to pull my shirt back down before someone walked into the bar.  
“Don’t give me that. You’re daddy’s abusing you and you aren’t doing anything about it. It kills me to see you like this Cas.” Said Ellen, her hands on her hips.  
“What is there for me to do? Run away? He’d find my in a heartbeat and it’d only get worse. I’m fine, really. Stop worrying about me, Ellen.” By now my voice was raised, I had yanked my shirt out of Jo’s hands and was pressing my back against the counter so I could get as far away from their pity as I could.  
Who were they to pity me? Yeah, I have it rough, yeah, every time we had to swim for P.E I had to make up some crappy excuse so I didn’t have to take my shirt off and show everyone my bruises, but I never asked for pity. I never asked for sympathy. It’s not my fault Jo made me slam into the counter. I didn’t need anyone’s pity. Whenever Gabe tried to talk to me about our father I would walk away because I don’t need to be felt sorry for. Gabe got out, moved out as soon as he finished school. He didn’t have to worry anymore. This was my burden and mine alone, and here Ellen and Jo stood, with good intentions and kind hearts, but that’s not what I wanted, that’s not what I asked for.  
“Cas. Kitchen. Now.” Gabe’s voice, calm and collected, drifted through the empty bar.  
I pushed my way past Jo, who was still holding the rag in her hand, and pushed the kitchen door open.  
“What the hell was that? Cas, you told me that it wasn’t that bad anymore. You told me that dad was getting better.” Gabe said, leaning against one of the counter tops, trying to take deep breaths.  
“Gabe, don’t worry about it. I said it was nothing.” I said, trying my best not to shout the words at him.  
“Nothing?” he practically laughed ”you call that nothing?” Gabe pointed at me, probably referring to my back.  
“Gabe, just leave it alone. You got out. Your bruises have healed. Stop worrying about me and get on with your life!” my voice had raised several octaves.  
“Cas I-“ Gabe started to say.  
“No. Dammit Gabe, no. I’m not moving in with you. I’m not leaving. What do you think will happen to mom? If I leave, she’s the only one who he can throw shit at. So no, I’m not leaving. So leave it the hell alone.” I stormed out of the kitchen, grabbing my coat and bag.  
“I’m sorry Ellen, I’m taking the night off.” I said, walking as fast as I could to the door before she could protest.


	2. Not What I Asked For

It’s not like I was angry, I wasn’t sad either, but try as I may, the tears wouldn’t stop coming, making it rather difficult to drive home, not that I particularly wanted to go home, but there was one place I could go where my father couldn’t get to me, where my mother was too afraid to go and where Gabe hadn’t been in years. As I pulled into the driveway I could see it, the old tree house that my father and Gabe built long ago, long before dad became a drunk, long before my back was the same shade of purple as a plum, long before anything could even make me think that something was wrong. Long, long before anything.  
The old rope ladder that led to the entrance seemed to groan in protest to my weight. When I reached the top I immediately smiled, the old boards that were keeping this thing together still smelled of sawdust and the root beer that Gabe spilled all over the place when he was twelve. The old mattress that Gabe and I had, after many failures, finally hauled up here when I was ten, stood in the corner, our prized Digimon and Pokemon posters still hanging above it by the bent nails we hammered into them when I was eleven. This was home, this was before Uncle Bobby died and dad never seemed to find the bottom of the beer keg.  
I leaned against the postered wall, wiping at my face, trying to erase how I felt, to no avail. I almost screamed when my phone suddenly vibrated in my pocket. I half smiled when I saw Anna’s name on the screen and answered.  
“Hey, Anna.” I sniffed, still wiping at my face.  
“Cas? Hey, are you crying? Cas, what happened?” Anna sounded concerned, but distant, the way she always did, because no matter how hard Anna tried, she could never seem to really care about anything.  
“What? No, it’s just my allergies, dust and stuff. What’s up though? You never call unless you need help with homework, and we didn’t get homework today.” Right now, changing the subject seemed to be the only way to avoid having to find some other lie to tell. As much as I trusted Anna, I couldn’t tell her about what my dad does to us. The only reason Jo and Ellen knew about it is because they after Uncle Bobby’s death they would come by our house often and one night dad was in the middle of a fast ball when they walked in.  
“Oh, so a friend can’t call another friend just to talk anymore? I see how it is.” Anna’s sarcasm was both misplaced and not appreciated at the time.  
“Anna, honestly, can you drop the sarcasm? What is it?” I didn’t know why, but my temper just wasn’t having any of her shit today, and to be honest, I didn’t mind giving my temper the reigns for a little bit.  
“Whoa, Cas, calm down. I was just going to ask what you were up to tomorrow. No need to piss all over the place.” Anna sounded offended. I couldn’t care less.  
“Nothing, why?”   
“Adam’s having a party at the pool, I was gonna ask you if you wanted to go, but god don’t come if you’re gonna be like this all the time.”  
I took a deep breath. Okay, time to calm down.  
“Sorry, I just, not a good night. I’ll be there tomorrow. I’m sorry Anna.” That’s about as nice as I was going to get.  
“Don’t worry about it, Cas, I’ll see you tomorrow.” The line went dead.  
I was about ready to settle down on the mattress for the rest of the night when a shout emanated from the house.   
“Oh god, not again.” I said, practically leaping at the rope ladder.  
By the time I reached the house my father was in full swing. Arms flailing, things breaking. It’s not like it didn’t happen often, there were many occasions where my father was so drunk that he lost most of his sanity.  
“Bobby! Where’s Bobby? He was right there!” My father took a swing at me as I tried to get close enough to him to try and wrestle him to the couch. I barely dodged, probably saved by the fact that my father was too damn drunk to stay on his feet. Luckily his intoxication and momentum floored him for me. Before long I was able to get him on the couch and pin him down.  
“Dad! Dad, stop! Calm down.” Tears were streaming down my father’s face.  
“Bobby. Where’s Bobby?” He tried to resist, tried to free himself, but he was too weak from the alcohol, too woozy to know what was going on.  
“He’s dead, dad. He died fifteen years ago. Don’t you remember? He was shot. You were too. Dad, please just calm down.” I recited the lines like I have so many times before. My mother refused to take get help for him. All the doctors would do is throw him in the asylum, and as lovely as that would be for me, more specifically for my back- which, right now, felt like it was on fire from wrestling my dad down- my mother couldn’t face the fact that we’d be better off without him. So every night it was my job to calm his drunk ass down, while my mother cried in her room.  
A look of questioning crossed my father’s face, almost as if he was asking Is this really the truth? His grip on my arms loosened and soon enough his arm was around my shoulder, most of his weight resting on my back, and we were walking to his bedroom, where my mother sat crying.

If you were to ask me now what the biggest mistake was that I had ever made, I’d probably say it was going to this party. That’s where everything really started. 

The most suitable shirt I could find for this kind of pool party thing was my only white t-shirt. I knew I wouldn’t be swimming, I couldn’t take my shirt off and let people see my bruises. I didn’t have many other shirts to wear anyway, and most of them were lying in my laundry basket, waiting for me to decide to wash them some day because my mother just stays in her room all day.  
Anna seemed happy to see me, as I walked up to her she smiled and hugged me. I didn’t do much at the party, just talked with Anna and some of our other friends. It was when Anna went running after Sam to go talk to him when I decided to go talk to Adam, the guy I liked, but of course couldn’t tell. As I made my way towards him, walking along the side of the pool, I heard a voice that I dreaded to hear.  
“Hey, Cas!” Lisa’s shrill voice scratched at my eardrums like nails on a chalk board. I honestly couldn't understand why someone like Lisa liked me, but it seemed like whenever she could, she was all over my personal space.  
“Hey, Lisa.” I said, halfheartedly. Lisa practically ran at me, and exactly then is when all hell broke loose.  
Lisa slipped when she was almost a foot away from my and crashed into me, subsequently making us crash into the pool. There was water, hands and curses all over the place. The curses mainly came from me. It was the shallow side of the pool, so we weren't in any danger, but as I stood in the stomach high water I realized just exactly how screwed I was.  
“Dude, what the hell is wrong with your back?” Came some guy’s voice from behind me. You see, water plus white shirt, equals see-through.  
“Yeah, what is that? Why’s your back so purple?” came a girl’s voice from the same direction. Soon enough people were crowding around me as I tried to climb out of the pool and leave. Hands pressed against my back as I pushed past everyone, I practically had to shove a guy to the ground when he tried to take me by the shoulders and spin me around.  
“Cas! Cas, wait!” Anna called at me as I stormed off. It was then and there that I wished I had come with my motorcycle, but for some reason I decided to walk. My eyes stung from the chlorine and tears. I practically ran as fast as I could, I just had to get away.  
By the time I was half way home I was too tired, and quite plainly, too emotional to run anymore. I simply stared at the ground, walking at whatever speed my sore feet would take me.  
When suddenly, thud.  
“Shit, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.” I mumbled, trying to recover from having bumped into what seemed to be a rock soling wall, but what turned out to be some guy walking in my direction.  
“Don’t sweat it man. Hey, you okay?” his face went from surprised to concerned. Only then did I realize that there were tears lying shallow in my eyes. I wiped at my eyes, frantically trying to erase them from existence.  
“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. Don’t worry about it.” Only then did I get a good look at him. His emerald eyes seemed soft and concerned, something about his lips just looked sexy. Then I looked at the rest of him, his chest, his stomach, his legs. I almost laughed. Only moments ago I was crying and now all I could think was Hot Damn. A smile crossed his face as he seemed to notice my admiration of his sexy.  
“I’m Dean Winchester.” He stuck his hand out for me to shake. I almost forgot how to speak, I simply looked at his outstretched hand. After what seemed like forever, I finally remembered that I should shake his hand.  
“I’m Castiel. Cas.” I said.  
Oh hell, was that one mistake I’d make over and over again.


	3. Something Like Hope

I don’t know what it was, but for some insane reason, I couldn’t help but think Is this guy for real? Within minutes of meeting him, within minutes of meeting Dean, I could have sworn I had known him my entire life.  
“Dude, I’m so sorry I bumped into you. I wasn’t looking where I was going; my mind was in a million places at a time.” Dean’s voice sounded like sand paper being dragged over satin sheets, kind of rough, but also like he just wanted every word he spoke to comfort me.  
“No, no, really its okay, I was just as distracted. Hey, I haven’t seen you around before, are you new around here?” This was odd, a newcomer to Blank, since when do we get visitors?  
“Yeah, actually I am, I moved here like two days ago. Listen, I don’t know left from right in this town, it’d be mighty helpful if I had one of the natives as a guide, you know, to show me where and what everything is?” His eyes seemed hopeful, and for a second I could have sworn mine did too.  
“Wha- Actually, I wasn’t really busy anyway, sure I’ll show you around town.” I didn’t know anything about this guy, he could be some freak who wants to murder me, he could kidnap me and rape me or something, but at the time I really couldn’t give less of a damn.  
“Great. Cas, was it? It’s a pleasure to meet you, and it’s great to know that there are such friendly people in this town.” A smile played across Dean’s face, and for some reason, one did across mine too.

The tour of Blank was simple really, there was Blank elementary, Blank middle school and Blank high (original, I know). There was the tiny hospital, the asylum, Ash’s convenience store, the police station, Blank Community College, and of course the Roadhouse, which we opted to avoid, because I was too afraid Ellen was going to slap me so hard I’d probably forget whether I was a boy or a girl, and for some reason I had no trouble telling Dean exactly that.  
Before long Dean and I had given full accounts of our lives as we walked down the only main street in Blank. Dean was twenty one, born in Lawrence, both his parents died in a car crash when he was fifteen, he came to Blank for, and I quote, “Something like hope”. Currently he didn’t have a job, and luckily for him, I was the first person he told he was gay. Had he told anyone else he would probably be cuffed and carted to the city limits before the week’s end.  
Now don’t get me wrong, when the words “No I don’t have a girlfriend, girls aren’t my thing” came out of Dan’s mouth, I wanted to jump on him right then and there, but I had to put it away. Mainly because I myself didn’t want to be cuffed and carted off, but also because Dean’s three years older than I am, I have no self esteem, and also he’s way out of my league.  
There wasn’t much time to elaborate on the subject though, we were near my house and after a quick look over my shoulder and a hushed “Mine neither.” I was leading him through the gate and very adamantly refusing to let him go inside the house, but rather, half-pushing, half-tackling him to the large tree in which my refuge and true home stood.  
“It’s cute.” Dean said with a smile. I leaned against the wall furthest from the entrance.  
“Yeah, my dad and brother built it when I was six.” Dean’s shoulder pushed against mine as he placed himself right next to me. I heard him chuckle and realized that the entire time I had been staring at his chest. Dammit.  
“So tell me, Cas, what’s it take for you to say yes to a date?” Dean’s hand rested on mine, and I could feel every part of my everything go hot. Quite plainly I was shocked. This guy wanted to go on a date with me. This dude, who I had met about two hours ago, liked me. This whole concept was foreign to me. I had never had a boyfriend before, hell I had never been on a date before, not even with a girl. Now this incredibly hot guy was asking me what it’d take to get me on a date. In all honesty, I wanted to laugh at what he had said, then after a longer-than-it-should-be silence I realized he wasn’t kidding.  
“Well if you ask me, I considered you asking me to show you around as asking me out. You got into this long before you even realized it, buddy.” Dean laughed, a genuine, wholehearted laugh that made even me want to laugh with him. His arm reached around me and out of habit I winced before he even touched me. He hesitated for a moment, I had mentioned what my dad does to me while we were telling our life stories, but before I could protest, his arm was around my shoulder.  
Two days passed, both of which Dean would call me and we’d either walk around town, or sit in the tree house. It was nice when we were alone, when the root beer scented wood protected us from the world, from the people, and it’s not like it had to protect us, we didn’t do much when we were in the tree house, we would literally just sit there and talk all day.  
The most surprising part of the whole thing wasn’t that Dean wanted to go out with me, but rather the fact that whenever he touched me where my father had hurt me, it didn’t hurt. Instead some cool sensation rushed through that part of my body. It was relieving, letting someone touch me without me having to hold in just how much it hurt.

It was the next Saturday, when Ava and her husband held a party at the Roadhouse, like they do once a month, that Ellen finally noticed something was different.  
“Cas, are you humming?” She looked at me like some stranger had just walked into her bar and was singing at the top of his lungs.  
“What? N- wait. Was I? I hadn’t noticed.” I smiled at her and continued wiping the dust off a bottle of vodka.  
“You were. Cas, how have you been doing lately?” Ellen stepped closer to me, this was getting weird.  
“Uh, I’ve been doing fine, I guess.”  
“Okay. Then what have you been doing lately?” I froze for half a second and tried to carry on like nothing had phased me, but of course Ellen noticed. “Castiel Novak, do you have a girlfriend?” Ellen sounded astounded. I almost laughed.  
“You could say that there’s someone, yes.” I smiled, thinking of Dean.  
“Child, you had better start talking right now or I swear to god I will make Gabe make you talk.” My eyes widened.  
“You wouldn’t.” Ellen laughed.  
“C’mon, Cas, just tell old Aunt Ellen” Ellen held her arms open as if to hug me. It seemed inviting, I wanted to tell her, really I did, but I couldn’t.  
“Nah I’m good.” Her smile ran away practically as fast as it came.  
“Cas, you know you can talk to me about this stuff. I was only joking about Gabe.”  
“Ellen, I really don’t want to talk about it.” I placed a bottle on the counter and went into the kitchen to try and escape. She followed.  
“Cas! Cas, look I know that you don’t like talking about personal stuff, but you’re like a son to me. I know we can’t talk about your dad, and I know you can’t talk to your mom about these things, so talk to me, I’ll always listen.” Ellen seemed to be pleading.  
This kind of pissed me off. She says all of this now, but what’ll happen when I tell her I’m in love with another guy? How fast will she kick me out and tell everyone what a freak I am? As much as I wanted Ellen to be my mother, as much as I wanted her to love me unconditionally like a mother should, I knew that she never could, and never would.  
“Ellen, drop it.”  
“Cas, why won’t you tell me? Why won’t you trust me?” He eyes were looking for answers in mine, answers I so desperately wanted to give, but couldn’t.  
“Because! Because you’re like all of these people! If I tell you you’ll look at me like I’m some kind of monster!” I don’t know what it was, but the monster was loose and there was nothing that I wanted to do to stop it.  
“What are you talking about boy? What’s going on?” Ellen stepped closer to me. Tears started running down my face for some reason I just couldn’t think of. This was it, this was where I screw everything, but I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I couldn’t keep my secret anymore. I’d much rather be thrown out than have to hide just exactly who I was anymore. It was about time I let go.  
“I’m in love with another boy! I like guys, Ellen! I don’t have a girlfriend. I have a boyfriend, and you know what? You can throw me out of this place. You can leave me to rot for all I give a damn, but that will never change who I am!” There it was. The raw truth, the words I had been keeping to myself for too long, and you know what? It felt good.  
My vision was blurred from the tears, but that didn’t stop me from seeing Ellen cross the gap between us with three strides, raise her hand, and bring it down across my face so hard that I could barely even think straight.


	4. At Least I Thought It Was Hope

There was something about Ellen that just didn’t ever make sense to me at all. Usually after you slap someone in the face, you don’t hug them and start crying. Ellen did. It could only be one of two things, either she was praying for some sort of Divine intervention, or she was just really disappointed. It wasn’t either.  
“Do you honestly think that, for one second, I would love you any less just because you’re gay, Cas?” she said, through tears. Honestly I didn’t know what to do. What was there to do? I was expecting her to throw me out of the place, I was expecting her to call the sheriff and have him throw me out of the town. Yet, here we stood, in some kind of hug thing that made absolutely no logical sense.  
My whole life I’d been told it was wrong, I’d been told that even thinking about it would land me in Hell. It took me years to finally accept the fact that I couldn’t change it, and even then I loathed myself for it, I was an abomination, a freak. Every time anyone said anything about it, it would leave a cut so deep inside me that I didn’t know whether I was going to bleed out or someone was going to chop my head off.  
Then Dean came along. He made things feel better, he made me feel like for some reason I was still a normal person. He held my hand while we sat in the tree house and talked about random shit. He’d sneak into my room through the window at night and lie down next to me and hold me, and then before anyone in the house woke up, he’d kiss my forehead and leave through the window again. He would trace phantom patterns on my back and it wouldn’t hurt.  
Then Ellen. It was around about this point where I started crying like a baby. So there we stood, me and Ellen, crying because actually it was okay. We didn’t say much after. I dried my tears, she gave me a smile, and we continued getting ready for the party, like absolutely nothing had happened. I actually liked that, not having to talk about it, just knowing that she doesn’t care.  
Ellen wasn’t just some family friend who would occasionally look after me. Ellen was the mother I never had, the mother who would make me cookies for my birthday. The mother who would hold ice to my back when a new bruise appeared, and not run to her room crying. Ellen was my mom.

Dean wasn’t at the party, which I understood because he said he was tired and was afraid that he might out me to the whole entire Blank. The party was fun though, even though I had to carry drinks around and avoid bumping into people who were dancing in the middle of the bar.   
It was around 3 am when everyone started going home. Ellen, Gabe, Jo and I cleaned up afterwards, picking up all the discarded bottles, calling cabs for the people who were just too damn drunk to get home on their own.   
I walked through the back door into the alleyway where Ash would usually deliver most of our booze, holding two garbage bags filled to bursting point with empty bottles. I crossed the alley to the dumpster and chucked them in.  
“Hey, faggot,” I heard as I closed the lid. I froze, my entire body went completely cold. “Yeah, cocksucker, you.” I turned to see Alistair standing at the entrance to the alley with a baseball bat resting on his shoulder. My eyes darted to the kitchen’s door. If I was fast enough, I could make it inside and at least make a noise before Alistair caught up with me. Unfortunately, Alistair anticipated my plan and dashed straight at me.  
Before I could even take a step his hand was clamped around my throat. My back slammed into the dumpster and I screamed, partly from the paint, but mostly in hopes of someone hearing me and coming to my rescue.  
“I was walking through the alley today when I overheard your little conversation with Ellen, faggot.” His hand around my throat tightened. It was becoming hard to breathe. I tried to fight back, but the more I struggled the more he tightened. He laughed.  
“Wh-why?” I managed t get out between gasps for air.  
“Don’t you see? I’m trying to save you. Where’s your boyfriend now? Who’s going to save you? All you have to do is believe in God, he will save you.” Alistair’s face was so close to mine I could smell the vodka on his breath.  
“I’d rather…burn in hell… with the one…I love…that be reminded… every day…that I’m an abomination.” The more I spoke the less air was left in my lungs, but I didn’t care. It was true, I’d rather burn in hell with Dean than be told that who and what I am is wrong. It took me forever and a day to realize this, but as I was being pressed into the dumpster with my windpipe being crushed, I wouldn’t trade my life for any other. I loved Dean and that was all that mattered, I was never going to stop.  
“Burn in hell.” Alistair slammed me against the dumpster again, I screamed and dropped to the ground. The last thing I remember was the baseball bat slamming into my back with full force.

I woke up in the hospital, alone in a tiny room. A few minutes later a nurse happened to walk by and notice that I had woken up.  
“Oh, you’re finally conscious. How are you feeling?” she asked, entering the room.   
“I- I’m fine I guess. What happened? All I remember is that I went to throw the trash out after the party last night.” I said, rubbing my face and immediately regretting it. The whole left side of my face stung when my hand touched it. The nurse tapped an IV next to me.  
“Morphine should help with that. My name’s Tessa, and as to what happened, Ellen found you in the alleyway, unconscious, we don’t know who did it, but someone beat you until you were an inch from death. You’ve been out for three days,” Tessa said, handing me a glass of water to drink. “You’ve got three broken ribs and a broken leg.” It was exactly then that I realized that I had a cast around my right leg. Great.  
Then almost immediately I remembered everything. Alistair standing in the alleyway, him choking me. I stopped myself before I could shout out his name. If the police found him he’d tell them why he did it. I sighed. Then I remembered one thing that almost made me choke on my water. “Where’s your boyfriend now?” Where was Dean? Had he come to visit me? Why wasn’t he here?  
“Did a guy come visit me? His name is Dean, he’s about twenty one, brown hair, green eyes.” I was frantic, my mind was racing. Where the hell was Dean? Did Alistair get to him too? What if he got hurt? Tessa looked confused.  
“Not that I know of. The only people who came to visit you were Ellen, Jo and your mother.” She said, scribbling something on a clipboard.  
“My phone, where’s my phone?” I asked, looking everywhere. Tessa fished it out of the drawer next to my bed after I tried and almost cried from the pain in my ribs. I dialed Dean’s number as fast as I could.   
“Hello? Cas? Oh god, Cas are you okay?” Dean’s voice flowed through the speaker like liquid gold. Thank God.  
“Dean, thank god, where are you?” By this time Tessa had awkwardly left the room after I completely ignored her.  
It wasn’t long before my nerves settled and I became furious. Why the hell hadn’t Dean come to visit me? Why wasn’t he there when I woke up? I’d been out for three days.  
“What the hell, Dean? I’ve been out for three days and you don’t even think that it’d be nice of you t come and visit me?”  
“Cas, I wanted to, so badly, I wanted to spend every second lying on that bed with you just waiting for you to wake up, but think about it. If I had stayed there this whole time the nurses would definitely have known something was going on between us. It kills me that I can’t be there with you right now.” I sighed. He had a point, and for now I was stuck here, alone, an abomination, like I’ve always been.


	5. Abandonment Issues

The next three weeks were horrible. Besides the fact that I had to start my summer break with a huge cast on my leg and the inability to inhale too deep without feeling like the rest of my ribs would break, I barely got to see Dean at all. All I basically did was sit at home the whole day listening to my father shout for Bobby when he was conscious enough to knock back enough beers.  
On the few days that my father was sober enough he’d go into town and check up on the Roadhouse or get groceries seeing as I couldn’t and my mother was too busy at work or crying in her room to do anything productive. It was nice when he wasn’t at home because then Dean would come over and lie in bed with me and we’d do nothing in particular, and whenever we heard either of my parents’ cars in the driveway he’d jump through my window and somehow disappear without them noticing.  
The funny thing about our relationship was that we’d been together for weeks now and we still hadn’t kissed once. It’s not like we haven’t gotten close, we have almost a million times, but every time we stop ourselves. I don’t know what it is, but it just didn’t feel right yet. Where we were now was just where we were supposed to be and it felt right in that exact place.  
The night my cast finally came off was one of the best nights of my life. Finally being able to freaking scratch my leg without the use of a ruler was the best feeling I’d ever felt. The crappy thing was that now I had to start physical therapy because my leg was atrophied and stepping on it made it feel like Jelly, so now I had to walk with crutches until it got better.  
Dean came with me to physical therapy, which made it worthwhile, though mostly he’d just stand there, not knowing what to do or say, so he’d cheer me on and I’d laugh and fall and people would look at me like I was demented.  
It was about four weeks after my leg healed when Ellen finally let me start working again, incidentally on my birthday. I couldn’t wait to get back to the Roadhouse again. I hadn’t seen Gabe in weeks because he refused to come home to visit me, which I understood, he didn’t want to see mom or dad. Jo and Ellen would visit every so often and bring me comfort food, but either way I missed the Roadhouse and Ellen and Jo and Gabe and just the whole dynamic of everything that was outside of my house.  
I almost jumped out of my skin when I walked through the door of the Roadhouse and the lights suddenly turned on and there stood Ellen and Jo and Gabe and Anna shouting “SURPRISE!”  
The night was fun, Ellen had closed the bar for the night and had hung this huge banner and there was cake and champagne, the only thing that was missing was Dean, but he did text me and Gabe didn’t know about him yet so I couldn’t risk him being there.  
After everyone sang Happy Birthday to me Jo ran into the kitchen and came back with a beer case that had a few packages in it. Presents. I blushed.  
“C’mon guys, you know you didn’t have to.” I said nudging Gabe who was sitting next to me at the bar.  
“Oh, and be a horrible brother? You’d never let me forget. Just take ‘em kiddo.” He smiled and nudged me back.  
“Open mine first!” Anna said, clearly so proud of the journal that she got me.  
“Thanks, Anna” I said, giving her a hug and setting the shiny silver paper and the journal aside.  
“Mine’s next! C’mon, Cas, open it!” Jo was so eager to have me open her present that she practically ripped it open for me. I gasped when I was the small box covered in velvet material. I opened it and almost wanted to kiss Jo. In the tiny box was a necklace with a pendant the size of a quarter on in, on the pendant was an intricate cross and on the back the words:  
May your troubles be less,  
Your blessings be more,  
And nothing but happiness,  
Come through your door.  
“It’s an Irish blessing. My daddy gave it to me when he died, but I think that you deserve it more.” Jo said, almost screaming when I half tackle-hugged her.  
“Thanks so much, Jo.” I said, giving her a squeeze.  
“Okay, okay, enough romance.” Said Ellen smiling at me and handing me another small box that was wrapped in the same golden wrapping paper as the present Jo gave me. A small card stuck out from the ribbon tied around the box.  
“Dear Cas, I hope you have an amazing birthday and that the years to come are going to be just as amazing, and if you ever get in trouble or need someone to kick someone’s ass for you, don’t hesitate. Love Ellen.” I read out loud. We all laughed and I hugged Ellen.  
“Don’t worry, Ellen, if ever I need to get rid of a lynch mob, your number is the first I’ll call.” I said, not being particularly gentle with the wrapping paper. Another velvet covered box. Inside was a small bracelet with a plate in the middle. On the back of the plate stood:  
Perfect, just as you are.  
Tears welled up in my eyes as I read the inscription a hundred times over. Ellen hugged me tight and whispered in my ear, “Don’t change a thing, okay, Cas?” I nodded and sniffed back the tears.  
“Okay, now for my sucky present, just to top them all.” Gabe said, handing me a tiny square box.  
“C’mon, Gabe, when I said you didn’t have to, I was being sarcastic, you have to at least try.” I said as sarcastically as I could.  
“Just shut up and open the damn thing.”  
I laughed and peeled the red paper off the tiny box and opened it. At first I was confused, then I when I finally dug the small key out of the tissue paper that Gabe had very ungraciously jammed into the box, I finally understood. I smiled.  
“Don’t get excited, it’s not a car. It’s a key to my apartment. If you ever just need a place to hang out that isn’t home or that ratty old tree house of ours, you’re always welcome.” Gabe gave half a smile, clearly embarrassed.   
“Thanks, Gabe. Thanks so much.” I hugged him and he didn’t know what to do, too afraid to touch my back. “But watch out, I might eat all the food in your apartment. You have no idea what you just got yourself into.”

That weekend I made some half-assed excuse to get out of the house and met Dean at the cliff near the outskirts of town. Dean gave me the tightest hug that he possibly could. We hadn’t seen each other in two weeks and our meeting was long overdue.  
“Happy birthday. I wish I could have spent it with you.” Dean whispered in my ear, refusing to let go, and honestly, I didn’t want him to.  
“Don’t worry about it. I understand that things don’t always work how we want it to, but at least we have now, and no-one’s even near.” I said, feeling Dean’s chest heave under mine.  
“Cas, I’ve wanted to say this for weeks, but right now seems like the perfect time.” He said, still holding me in his tight embrace.  
“What is it, Dean?” I asked.  
“Cas, I love you.” His chest heaved another time and for a few moments there was silence.  
Tears filled my eyes and poured down my face.  
“Dean, I love you too.” I managed to whisper, and as the words escaped my mouth everything felt right in the world. This was the absolute raw truth, this was how I’d been feeling for weeks too, every time I saw Dean, every time I thought of him. Dean was the one who made me happy; Dean was the one who made me feel like I was a person.  
Dean’s arms loosened around me and fell to my waist. For a moment we just looked into each other’s eyes. This felt right. It was time. The gap between us closed slowly, our lips inching closer together. The kiss wasn’t like in the movies, some amazing fireworks moment where the violins play some exciting music and everyone watching just wants to go “Awwwww.”  
No, this kiss was very different, this kiss was right. This kiss made my chest heat up, a warmth spreading from my heart all the way to my fingers, this kiss made me lose track of time, like everything around us had stopped for a fraction of a second, and that we were stuck in that fraction of a second.  
Dean pulled away and smiled at me.  
“I got you a present. I know it’s not extravagant or anything, but it’s still something.” Dean’s right hand moved from my waist to his pocket, where he dug around for a few seconds and closed his fist around something.  
Dean took my right hand with his left and held it forward, and from his closed hand he produced a golden ring, a plain golden ring. Dean slipped it over my index finger. I smiled.  
“It’s perfect, Dean.” I said and kissed him again.

At this point I felt like I could do anything, even fly if I really wanted to. All the way home I couldn’t stop smiling, but that quickly changed as I walked into the house and noticed no-one was home. It was 4:46. Dad was usually home by 4 and it was weekend, so my mother was supposed to be home anyway. I walked into the kitchen and swore. The floor was covered with pasta, a pan lying on its side near the stove. Pieces of broken plates littered the dining room floor. I ran to my parents’ room. On my mother’s pillow lay a small piece of paper folded in half.  
Dear Castiel,  
I am so sorry for everything, for never being the mother who you needed, for standing there and watching as your father abused you and your brother. I am so sorry for never protecting you like a mother should. I think it is better that I not be here anymore, but know that I truly do love you.  
Goodbye.  
My heart felt like it was about to cease existing. Anger welled up inside me as I crumpled the paper and threw it with all my might at the wall.  
“How could you just leave?” I shouted at the top of my lungs, and collapse on the ground, and cried for my mother, for my real mother, for Ellen.


	6. One Woe Doth Tread

By the time my father found me lying on the floor of his bedroom I had already screamed so much that my throat felt like sandpaper. For once he wasn’t drunk, he somehow managed to scoop me up in his arms and carry me to my bed. I looked into his eyes as he set me down on my bed; there was something there, some lingering regret.  
“I’m so sorry, Cas.” He managed to mumble before I closed my eyes and began to sob again.  
I didn’t sleep well at all, woken up every few minutes by the sound of absolutely nothing. When I was finally able to form coherent sentences on my phone through the tears, and I was sure my father was either asleep or out of earshot, I called Dean and told him what had happened. It wasn’t five minutes before he was at my window, climbing in.  
We didn’t speak much. We just sat in my bed and waited for nothing in particular. I fell asleep in Dean’s arms sometime between midnight and three, when Dean had to go home again. It didn’t bother me that we didn’t say anything, just the fact that Dean was there was enough to comfort me for a few hours.  
I didn’t sleep after Dean left; my mind was in too many places. Mostly asking myself what I should be feeling. I wasn’t angry; I didn’t feel any resentment towards my mother. Honestly, I understood why she had left. What I didn’t understand was why the hell she left me here alone. How could she do this to us? My father needed her. I needed her.  
It was around seven when I finally worked up the courage to get out of my bed and walk into the kitchen where the pasta and pot were still on the floor. I scooped the bulk of the pasta back into the pot, collecting the rest of the strands that seemed to have flown further than the others. I filled a bucket with warm water and mopped at the mess. My eyes fixed on the same spot that I had been mopping over and over for almost thirty minutes.  
I felt a hand on my back and flinched.  
“Cas, it’s okay, it’s just me.” I turned and saw Gabe, he’d come through the back door. He gave me an apologetic smile.  
“Gabe. She’s gone, Gabe.” was all I managed to say. Gabe pulled me into an embrace, his hands lightly resting on my back, trying not to hurt me.  
“I know, kiddo, I know.” Gabe gasped and I squeezed him as tight as I could. Tears ran down my face. I didn’t want him to let go. I knew that it would never be okay, I knew that no one could ever fix this. But my brother was here, the only person in my family who didn’t hurt me, the only person in my family who wouldn’t leave me. He was here and he wouldn’t leave me.  
Gabe helped me clean the rest of the house, helped me pick up the broken plates. It was my father who had called him, but when my father entered the kitchen they didn’t speak at all except when Gabe said he was taking me out for the day. My father didn’t protest.  
Gabe and I spent the day at his apartment, Gabe made breakfast and we watched movies the whole day. Every now and then Dean would text me, ask me how I was doing, and tell me he loved me in as many ways he could think of.  
“So what’s his name?” Gabe asked as I smiled at a text Dean sent me. Shit.  
“What? What are you talking about, Gabe?” now was as good a time as any to test my acting skills.  
“Do I look stupid to you, Cas?”  
“You don’t want me to answer that question.” Sarcasm was probably the only way I was going to get Gabe to drop it. He couldn’t know. I took a risk telling Ellen. I wasn’t thinking straight when I shouted it at her. What if Gabe did what Alistair did? What if Gabe tells my father? What if Gabe finds Dean? No, Gabe couldn’t know. No one could.  
“Castiel, I know my little brother. I’ve known you were gay since you yourself knew it. We used to share a room, Cas, and you talk in your sleep sometimes.” I couldn’t move. My heart felt like it had stopped beating.  
“Gabe, I-“ Honestly, I didn’t know what to say. Had he known all this time? Why didn’t he say anything? What would he do to me if I admitted it out loud?  
“Cas, you can unbunch your panties. I’m not gonna tell dad. Honestly, you could have some freaky animal fetish thing going on and I wouldn’t care. You’re my brother, Cas, you held ice to my bruises when we were kids, you helped me up when dad would knock me over. Cas, I could never hate you. You’re my little bro and I love you for who you are, okay? Now suck it up and tell me what his name is.”  
This time I couldn’t move because I seemed to have forgotten. That was until I practically tackled Gabe to the ground and an attempt to give him some sort of bear hug. I wasn’t particularly good at the sharing-your-emotions thing.  
“His name is Dean, Dean Winchester.” I said after Gabe wrestled me off of him.  
“Okay. Now if you wouldn’t mind telling the whole story of how Harry met Sally.”  
I spent most of the rest of the morning telling Gabe about Dean. Gabe reacted with cheesy lines from romance movies and a whole bunch of sarcastic one-liners. If I hadn’t grown up with Gabe I’d have thought he was trying to be funny. But I knew him better than that, the idea of having a gay brother made him feel slightly uncomfortable.  
I kind of understood. He might have known for however long, but actually hearing it come from me was probably the cherry on top of the cake. But Gabe made every effort he could to seem comfortable, and that made it worthwhile, at least I knew Gabe was there for me. At least I had somewhere to go.

Gabe dropped me off at home at around eight that night after my father had called me and asked for us to come home, it sounded odd. When we walked into the dining room we saw the table had been set for three. Our father, who had somehow managed to stay sober for the entire day, had cooked.  
“Gabe, Cas, please sit.” Our father walked up to us from the kitchen. We sat at the table, sharing a concerned, yet confused look. What the hell was going on? Our father placed a plate full of steaming food in front of each of us and sat down at the head of the table. “Boys, I wanted to talk to you about something.”  
“What is it, dad?” I asked.  
“Your mother made it very clear yesterday that she wasn’t going to come back, and I know that no matter what I do, I can’t fix what I’ve done, but I can try. I know your mother isn’t coming back, and I’m sorry, so very sorry, but I want to try and fix what’s left between the three of us. I want to have a relationship with my boys. I know that I was in the wrong.”  
“Oh yeah? And how do you plan on doing that?” Gabe spoke to our father for the first time in what must have been two years, and it was clear that he didn’t like it. “You abuse us our whole lives, and now you just expect us to move on like absolutely nothing happened? Is this all some sick joke to you? You stopped being my father the day I walked out that door, what on Earth makes you think I want to fix anything that I have with you?”  
Gabe had a point. Our father had no right to just expect that we’d forgive him. He’d beaten and broken us. But who were we to deny him forgiveness? I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know how I felt about anything.  
“Gabe, I know that what I did to you boys was horrible, you didn’t deserve any of it, but I want to fix that. I know that I don’t deserve to be called a father, I know that you have every reason to hate me, but let me try to get better, I’ll even go to rehab if I have to. Please boys, please give your old man a chance.” Tears were beginning to well up in my father’s eyes.  
“I don’t care what you do. You don’t deserve my forgiveness. You don’t deserve to be called a father. I’m taking Cas home with me tonight. You can’t fix this. You never will” Gabe was standing by now, but his voice stayed calm and collected.  
“Who gave you the right to say where Castiel lives? I’m trying to fix this. I’m trying to get back what I’ve lost with you two, why won’t you let me?” My father turned to me, “Cas, you want to stay here, right? You want to fix this, don’t you?”  
Honestly, I didn’t know, what was there to fix? The bruises? Those were easy enough to fix, but the trust my father had broke, the bond that a son is supposed to have with his father, those can’t be fixed anymore.  
“I want to go with Gabe.” I mumbled. My heart hammered in my chest, but this was for the best. This time I could risk leaving. My mother wasn’t here anymore, my brother was here, he was the only real family I had.  
“My own boys don’t even want their father anymore. I thought I raised you better than this.” My father stood up and walk towards the door.  
“You didn’t raise us at all.” Gabe said as our father walk out of the door, probably on his way to the liquor store.

It didn’t take long to pack up the few of my things that were in my room, just a few clothes and books. On our way to my brother’s car I stopped.  
“Gabe, gimme a sec.” I said as I turned and bolted for the tree house.  
I climbed the ladder as fast as I could. Once I was at the top I yanked the nails out of our posters and grabbed the comic books that we had collected and stashed up there. These were our memories, these were what made Gabe and I brothers and they would make the perfect addition to his apartment, to my new home.


	7. Are You For Real?

Living with Gabe was different. The silence at night was deafening but refreshing, no longer having to worry about my father shouting for Bobby was like lifting a mountain off my shoulders and throwing it half way across the world.  
After the first two weeks Gabe and I fell into some sort of routine. I’d make breakfast while Gabe got ready work, then we’d head out to the Roadhouse to help Ellen with inventory or I’d meet up with Dean at the cliff near the outskirts of town. Then we’d get home at around 3am.  
I liked this routine, now that I had graduated I had decided to take a gap year before I went to college, just to save up money and anyway, I honestly had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was perfectly content with working at the Roadhouse for the rest of my life.  
I noticed that Gabe had the tendency to try to take my phone and read my texts to Dean, but Gabe was a horrible thief and an even worse liar.  
“Gabe, what the hell are you doing?” I asked one day as I saw him trying to fish my phone out of my coat’s pocket, while I was still wearing it. He froze, half his hand sticking out of my pocket.  
“Uh, sorry, I wasn’t looking what I was doing; I thought it was my pocket.” Now that would have been believable if we weren’t sitting at his kitchen island and he was almost a foot away from me, and if he was wearing a coat, which he wasn’t.  
“Gabe, please get your hand out of my pocket and leave my phone the hell alone. I know you’re just aching to read my texts or whatever, but the day I let you do that, is the day hell freezes over.” I said, trying to sound as menacing as I possibly could.  
“Well, I’d stop trying to read your texts if you would just let me meet the guy. I just wanna get to know him is all.” Gabe said, promptly removing his hand from my pocket and returning his attention to his cereal.  
“I’ve told you already, Gabe, you’ll meet him, just not yet, okay?” I didn’t want to make Gabe feel more uncomfortable than he already did with my sexuality. “I don’t want to make it weird for either of you, that’s all.”  
“Okay, okay, I get it, all I’m saying is that I want to meet him. It’s been a long time since I saw you this happy, Cas, and I just want to meet the guy who’s making you feel like this.” Gabe gave me half a smile and shoved a spoonful of cereal in his mouth.  
“Gabe, Dean isn’t the only reason I’m happy. Ever since I left home, ever since I came here I’ve felt like I’m finally allowed to be happy. Gabe, you’re part of the reason why I’m happy, and I want you to be happy too, okay? But I don’t want to rush things with Dean either, I don’t want to make him feel like he’s being forced to meet you. He’s told me that he wants to meet with you, but I just think that we should wait a little longer, just until things are solid with me and him, and with me and you. Okay?” I understood where Gabe was coming from, I understood why he wanted to meet Dean, but maybe that wasn’t the problem. I was nervous, What if he didn’t like Dean? What if Dean didn’t like him? Dean’s three years older than me, what if Gabe disapproved? In all honesty, I just didn’t want them to meet because I was terrified.  
“Okay, Cas, I understand.” Gabe gave me an apologetic smile and that was about the end of that for a while.  
My not wanting Dean and Gabe to meet didn’t stop Dean from making his nightly visits, coming through my window in the middle of the night from the fire escape and crawling into bed with me and holding me and sometimes humming Metallica songs in my ear while I slept. Of course he’d always be gone by the time I woke up, always leaving with a kiss on my forehead and a whispered “I love you.”  
If Gabe knew anything about Dean coming to visit then he didn’t say anything, which was a relief. Gabe still tried to steal my phone every now and then, but I’d either catch him, or he’d look for it in the wrong place and I’d just let him fumble around and let him think he was on to something.  
What surprised me was one day when Gabe actually succeeded in stealing my phone. I’d gone out to get some groceries and forgotten my phone on my bedside table. I walked into the kitchen to find Gabe standing there with a puzzled look on his face, scrolling through my phone.  
“Gabe! What are you doing? Give me my phone.” I demanded. Shit.  
“Cas. Cas what’s going on?” Gabe looked up at me, he looked genuinely worried. What the hell?  
“Gabe, what are you talking about? Give me my damn phone back.” I held out my hand and took a step closer to Gabe.  
“Cas. Are you okay?” Gabe shook his head and looked at me like I was going crazy.  
“Gabe, what the hell is going on? Will you stop joking around and give me my goddamn phone?” I took another step towards Gabe and he recoiled, almost as if I was some psychotic killer ready to stab him.  
“Cas, your texts. Look at your phone, there aren’t any replies from Dean. Only your texts to him.” Gabe showed me my phones screen from where he was standing. What the hell. He was right, there were no texts in reply to mine. What’s going on?  
“What? Gabe, are you joking with me? This isn’t funny. Did you delete all his texts?” I swear if Gabe was screwing with me, there would be hell to pay.  
“I’m not screwing around, Cas, I swear this is how I found your phone. Cas, what’s going on?” Gabe dropped his hands to his sides and looked at me like I was sick, like I was demented.  
“I don’t know, Gabe. Maybe my phone deleted his texts, maybe it ran out of memory or something.” I had to stay calm, even though I had no idea what was going one, there had to be an explanation.  
“Why would it only delete his messages if the memory ran out? Why wouldn’t it delete yours too?” Gabe kept giving me that look.  
“I don’t know, Gabe. I don’t know. But there’s nothing wrong with me.” I grabbed my phone and dropped the groceries on the counter, making my way to my room and slamming my door as hard as I could.  
What the hell was going on? What was Gabe talking about? Why would my phone be doing this? Was it broken? What the hell?  
I sat on my bed and looked at my phone again. By now the screen had gone black. I swiped the unlock button and almost threw my phone across the room, because there on the screen, were all the replies Dean had sent me.


	8. You Can't Blame Me

Gabe succeeded in stealing my phone three more times after that, during which I would walk in on him scrolling through my texts, which for some reason were only mine and none from Dean. It didn’t make any sense. Why would the texts disappear when Gabe and I were fighting about it, but whenever I was along they’d appear again?  
I told Dean about it and he said it was probably just the phone being a piece of crap. Gabe disagreed, every time it came up we’d end up fighting about it, me trying to wrestle the phone out of his hand.  
“Cas, I want you to go see a psychologist. Dr. Crowley is brilliant at what he does, maybe he could help you.” Gabe said one Wednesday afternoon while I was making lasagna.   
“Gabe, I told you, I’m okay, there’s nothing wrong with me. The phone is just being a stupid piece of crap. All Dr. Crowley ever does is send his patients off to the asylum.” I was trying to stay calm, but Gabe was making it difficult.  
“Then how do you explain the disappearing texts? You won’t let me meet Dean; you’re the only one who sees his texts. You’re making me worry, Cas.” Gabe was standing next to me by now, trying to get me to look at him. I refused.  
“You know what? Fine, I’ll bring Dean over on Friday and we can have dinner here, then you can finally put to rest your theory of me being crazy.” I opened the oven and shoved the lasagna in. If Gabe was so damn desperate to meet Dean, then fine, he’ll meet Dean.  
“Thank you, Cas.” Gabe sighed.  
“Whatever.”

I met Dean on my way home from Ash’s convenience store that Friday. Dean was dressed in his neatest jeans and t-shirt, he offered to help me carry my bags but I refused, I didn’t want him sweating or anything, Gabe had to like him.  
I stopped Dean outside the lobby of the apartment building.  
“Dean, look, Gabe’s gonna be weird, he’s going to try to make you feel uncomfortable and weird. Just try to ignore it, resist the urge to punch him in the face. Just be your charming self and the whole night should go fine, okay?” I said, my heart hammering in my chest. This was the point where my hands were beginning to sweat and my chest felt like it had a vice around it that kept getting tighter.  
“Don’t worry, Cas, I’ll behave.” Dean said with a smile. The tension in my chest eased ever so slightly.  
The elevator ride to our floor was quiet and awkward. My chest kept getting tighter, I had this horrible feeling that something was going to go horrifically wrong.  
We stopped in front of the apartment’s door. The hallway was completely deserted. I took a deep breath and looked at Dean. He gave me an encouraging smile and kissed me. Well, here goes nothing. I placed my hand on the doorknob and just as I was about to turn it I heard them, voices coming from the other side of the door.  
“Do you think something could really be wrong with him?” came Gabe’s voice, concerned.  
“There is a possibility that he could be imagining all of this, I’ve seen it before, people who were so desperate for some sort of companionship that their minds conjure up a companion for them.” Said a voice I couldn’t recognize. My heart leaped into my throat, my blood ran cold. Gabe had called Dr. Crowley; he wanted to cart me off to the asylum.  
“But what if that’s the case? What do we do?” Gabe asked. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t do anything.  
“We take him into observation, keep him at the asylum for a few nights and see if he gets better. If he doesn’t get better, unfortunately we might have to make his stay more permanent.” Anger was welling up inside me now. How could Gabe allow this? How could he think I was really crazy? Dean’s hand rested on my shoulder. I looked at him and he smiled at me.  
“Well, you can all go to hell.” I said, opening the door and walking in, Dean trailing behind me. “Gabriel, I’d like you to meet Dean.” I said, turning around to give Gabe a better look at Dean. Dean smiled. I looked at Gabriel, he looked horrified. I looked at Dr. Crowley, a pitying look crossed his face.  
“Castiel, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Though I couldn’t say the same about this Dean fellow, there’s no one there, my boy.” The man said. My heart began to beat even faster, my chest felt like it was going to explode.  
“What the hell are you talking about? He’s right-“ I cut myself off, looking at where Dean was supposed to be standing. There was nothing, just the empty air in which I could have sworn he had been standing only seconds ago. “What? Dean?”  
“Oh, Cas.” Gabe said, stepping closer to me. I recoiled. No, this couldn’t be happening. Dean was right there.  
“Castiel, I’d like you to come with me for a few nights, I want to help you.” The doctor said, staying calm.  
No, no, this was wrong, Dean was right there, Dean had touched me, he held me when I felt like I couldn’t go on anymore, Dean loved me, Dean kissed me, Dean heard when I spoke to him, Dean was there, Dean was there.  
“No! I’m not going anywhere with you!” Tears were streaming down my face. Dean had been right there. Had he left? Where was he?  
“I’m sorry, my boy, but if you don’t come willingly, I’m going to have to ask my friends here to take you.” It was only then that I realized there were two men standing off to the left of the kitchen.  
No, I wouldn’t go with them, Dean was there, Dean was real. He loved me. I had to prove it to them. Then I remembered, the Saturday after my birthday, the cliff, the ring. I hadn’t taken the ring off once since Dean had put it on my finger, it was there, it was real.  
“No! He’s real! He gave me this!” I held up my hand for them to see the golden ring that was on my index finger, my eyes locked on their faces. I wasn’t crazy. Dean had given me this ring, Dean loved me.  
“Cas, there’s nothing there.” Gabe said through tears of his own.  
What? I looked at my hand, my eyes blurred from the tears. It was gone, the ring that Dean had given me. It wasn’t there. Dean was gone, Dean didn’t exist. But Dean loved me, Dean held me at night when my father screamed for Bobby, He held me when I couldn’t walk.  
“No! No, it was right there! It’s always been there! Gabe, you have to trust me. Dean’s real. Gabe! Please!” I pleaded. Dean was real, why couldn’t they believe me? Why.  
“I’m sorry, Castiel, please come with me.” The doctor said.  
“No! No! I’m not going!” the doctor signaled to the men, who were coming closer. I fought them off as best I could. I shouted, I screamed. Dean was there again, then he was gone, standing in front of me while the men tried to drag me to the elevator, every time I saw him there was a smile on his face.  
Dean was there, Dean loved me. Dean made the pain go away.  
Dean was there. Dean loved me.


End file.
